Especially if the guy with the haircut is on your team. If not, he looks like a Flock of Seagulls cover band member from Cambodia. These players won’t be getting a phone call from Head & Shoulders to do a commercial anytime soon.
Scooby Doo and the gang would have been fooled by the master make up artists from the movie Bad Grandpa that transformed Soccer Freestyle World Champion Sean Garnier into an aging senior citizen named “Abuelo Memo”. But Garnier didn’t want to scare off the kids to steal the treasure from old man Peterson. He wanted to blow their minds with his paralyzing foot work. And he would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.freestyle, Scooby doo, sean garnier
We understand some of you don’t care or are occasional fans of the sport. But its always cool to have random knowledge available for small talk while you’re at the Dr.’s office awaiting the results of that mysterious rash on your sac. Maybe I should be on strangerashesafterstripclub.com instead. I mean my friend should… I should tell my friend about it. So here’s the list:
1. The Vuvuzela
This long, plastic, substitute for a beer bong gained notoriety during South African World Cup. The quintessential game experience of local South African leagues sounds like the mating call of giant bees. Did I mention it could also be used as beer bong? According to Wikipedia, it is traditionally made and inspired from a kudu horn, the vuvuzela was used to summon distant villagers to attend community gatherings. I remember during the last world cup I heard the delayed sound wave of the vuvuzelas 20 minutes later in Los Angeles. Turned out to be a giant bee orgy outside.
2. Magic Healing Spray
This magical can of fairy dust and science stuff can bring back players from the dead. Cue magic tonic salesman from the 1800’s.
It is rumored to be made from the morning dew of mermaid’s nipples. The truth is, its nothing more than a skin refrigerant used as a temporary anesthesia. Though it has more of a psychological effect (I know I used it a couple of times as a kid and i thought it worked). Besides they’re usually faking it anyway (see #5).
If you are like us from Southern Ca, not only are you pretty cool, but you’ve seen your share of fires. It includes the time you accidentally set your aunt’s house on fire. And by accidentally, I mean on purpose. And by house, I mean cats. Well either way, don’t trip on these stadium fires if you see them. I actually don’t know the origin of flares in the stadium. I just like fire!!
I remember a time when “say NO to drugs” was the in thing to do and soccer coaches were allowed to smoke on the sidelines. Of course there are many reasons why its not allowed anymore. But that sure didn’t stop Mexico coach Ricardo La Volpe in 2006 and Italian coach Marcelo Lippi, who celebrated winning the World Cup in 2006 by smoking a cigar on the field (Featured Image).
5. Flopping or Diving
Its not always a foul or penalty just because the player falls down appearing to be in brutal pain. Aside from Leonardo DiCaprio, soccer players are the best actors never to win an Oscar. Bring on the Magic spray. Major League Soccer in the US began implementing fines and suspensions for the 2011 season for “simulation” through its Disciplinary Committee, which reviews plays after the match. A sign of diving or flopping is the “Archer’s bow” pose, where the head is tilted back, chest thrust forward, arms raised and both legs bent at the knee to lift both feet off the ground to the rear, is recognized as a characteristic sign of simulation, as the action is counter to normal reflex mechanisms to protect the body in a fall according to Wikipedia. I call it interpretive dance.
Ahhh video games. From educational purpose to complete time wasters, we’ve all spent countless hours in front of the console racing, shooting, and looting. If you haven’t then you didn’t have a child hood! Call of Duty is one of those video games that comes along every blue moon (a 12 pack of blue moon that is) and makes you quit your job, neglect your family and girlfriend until you have annihilated that little shit that shot you from 1000 feet away with a shotgun, which is bullshit! I shot him first! Well, while camping in the new Brazilian Favela map, I discovered an ode to the World Cup from the developers. Let us know if you find anymore.Brazil, call of duty, favela, World Cup
With so many fans in so many countries its hard to categorize us all into certain groups. There have been psychological studies and books written in an attempt to achieve this. Some say there is a type A and type B personality others say there are 16 types of personalities. What if the voices in your head have voices in their head? Does that count as another personality? Well that’s for science nerds with thick glasses to figure out. We have figured out the 10 types of World Cup soccer fans:
1. The Drunk Guy – This frequenter of alcoholic spirits usually has already inhaled a 12 pack during the national anthem. Burps after each word and spills beer on you when talking. He usually is painted head to toe in team colors. Passes out at the urinal.
2. The Business Guy – He gets there in the 2nd half wearing his jersey over his shirt and tie. Still has to go back to the office and hash out the Johnson deal.
3. The Douchebag – Just cause he played AYSO one year when he was 7 and is in an adult kickball league doesn’t mean he can play soccer. Calls everyone Bro! and will usually combines it with the question “do you even lift?”. Douche!
4. The Hot Girl – Usually there with the Douchebag and wearing a sexy version of the team’s colors. Never played or cares about soccer but did a photoshoot where they wore soccer uniforms and got sprayed with water.
5. The European Nationalist – Cant understand what the eff they’re saying. Usually starts talking soccer and ends up calling you a capitalist pig. Has 2 bedrooms dedicated to the national team while his family sleeps in the living room. Smells like cigarettes, cabbage, and gallons of cologne. Drinks warm beer.
6. The Hater – Played linebacker in high school and that’s it. Not only will he refer to soccer as boring, but also roots for the opposing team just to get on your nerves.
7. The Soccer Mom – Cant stop talking about her kids team and how how cute the Spain players are. Paints her cheek in teams colors. Can sometimes be categorized with The Hot Girl which is cool unless she really is with a douchebag. Douchebag!!
8. The Phone Guy – Doesn’t look at the game but follows the play by play on 3 different apps and shouting out soccer trivia that nobody cares about. Just ask him to look up stats during the game and keep him busy.
9. The Crybaby – Cries because nobody is a bigger World Cup fan than he is. Cries when the national anthem is played. Cries when they win, when they lose, and when they tie. Cry about this…!!!
10. The I Just Found Out There’s a Game On Guy – Oh shit there’s a game starting in 10 minutes!
So, which one are you? Douche!!!
We all love hot dogs from the classic dodger dog to the street vendor dogs after a late night of clubbing and grinding on that ugly chick because it was your turn to take one for the team while your friends hook up with her much cuter friends. We also love our fútbol, and this hot dog vendor found a way to put them together. From one of my favorite sites theCHIVE:
I call it the Chuy’s vs the Jewies game amirite?…ahem…Mexico City, the legendary Estadio Azteca, a sacred place for the Mexicans and their futbol. It was also a place to stretch out the ole legs of coach Miguel “el piojo” Herrera’s team who have been under strict order to not participate in sex or alcohol. Well I’m signing anything coach.
But it seems to have worked. Mexico controlled the pace for most of the game after a non fluid start. It was also Cuauhtemoc Blanco’s “tribute” game as he started and within 2 minutes was sweating more than Honey Boo Boo’s mom sitting in a Louisiana porta potty on a hot summer day. Mexico also wore their new uniforms which looked like some hipster, Charlie Brown style jersey. Well lets hope goalkeeper JJ Corona quickly after a collision with teammate “Maza” Rodriguez that saw him get carried off in the golf cart of shame.cuautehmoc blanco, honey boo boo, israel, mexico, tribute, World Cup
Malcolm Glazer, owner of many things (some shiny some businessisy) including one of the most infamous sports franchises in the world Manchester United F.C passed away today at the age of 86. Coincidentally, loyal United supporters wanted to 86 him from the team back in the mid 2000’s during his bid for total control of the club. He succeeded, seems to me a shortly thereafter signed sponsorship deal with AIG might have helped “insure” the deal, and has had quite a successful streak during that time. But now, with his children at the helm will they fall into the fate the Lakers have? or will they continue the great tradition of winning. Say what you will, a moment of silence for a life lost.86, aig, dead, lakers, manchester united, owner
The USMNT seemed very “friendly” to the visiting Azerbaijan team scoring only 2 goals, and scoring them late in the game nonetheless. Why do they even call them “friendly” games? So official games are unfriendly? I guess being in the World Cup group G labeled the “group of death” can be one indication of a hostile environment. Well the US will need to step up its game if it wants to cheat death from the World Cup. This game started slow without much technical play from the USMNT. Maybe they had butterflies in their stomach or are truly inexperienced. Chris Wondolowski, however, was very energetic and ambitious on the field from the get go and had good shots to the goal in the opening minutes. Keep an eye on him in the tournament. And although Landon Donovan no longer dons the #10 jersey, it seems it helped Mix Diskerud put one past the keeper. USA!!!USA!!!USA!!!friendly, group of death, mens, soccer, usa, usmnt, World Cup